We took off for a late summer trip to a New Jersey amusement park today, which was fun.
At one point, my daughter wanted to get her face painted. I was kind of struck at the catalogue of choices. They were mostly for girls, with a few boy faces. The boys were: Loch Ness monster, spider, leopard, a few other gross and monstrous things, and puppy. The girls were all sorts of things: princess, butterfly, flower, cat, fairy, on and on.
The catalog reminded me again of how gender (and other identities) get produced, but maybe also of how weirdly we approach trying to attack or critique that production, about what went wrong (and is still sometimes going wrong) in how we go about that critique.
So much of the time, that critique is made in negative terms, and in a discourse that’s about virtue. “Watch this, do this, dress like this, because that’s what good (political) girls and boys and women and men do”. Conversely: “That film is bad. That image is bad. That text is doing bad work in the world.”
Bring those two discourses down on the head of a six-year old and it’s the equivalent of bombing civilians in Iraq. For that matter, do it to the desires, subjectivities, consciousness of adults, and it’s that also, but even worse with kids.
I watched for a while while my daughter was getting her face painted. The little girls stopped and pointed to the princesses and the butterflies. The little boys mostly didn’t stop, but occasionally they stopped to demand crocodiles and monsters. A few got in line to get their wish, most of them were shooed along to the next ride or game.
Why are those faces cued (explicitly) in the catalog to gender? Why do they stop where they stop? It’s not a conspiracy, or a calculated act on the part of the face-painters. They could mislabel the faces (butterflies for boys, monsters for girls) and I don’t think it would stop the girls and boys from pointing where they point.
When you’ve got kids, you remember all again how weird and atypical it was to have a grown-up try to directly enforce gender or class identity on you as a dictate. At least it was for me, and it seems so for my daughter. Rarely does any adult say directly and unambiguously to her: girls don’t do that. Or “you’re acting like a boy”. When they do, she remembers it, asks me about it, is disturbed by it. The teacher who said that “a father’s kiss isn’t important, only a mother’s kiss is special” was a total freak as far as she was concerned: she asked about it immediately that night.
Kids, on the other hand, aggressively and unselfconsciously enforce gender on other kids. My daughter hears all the time from other girls about what she’s not supposed to like. Yes, kids are getting it from somewhere: these ideas are not spontaneously generated by them. They’re getting it from their observations of the total cultural space, and in some cases, from direct and indirect commentary in their own domestic world. But when there’s identity work going on, a lot of it is coming from peers, sometimes made more malevolently and directly powerful and coercive by the unveiled and direct uses of interpersonal power that young children are capable of.
I don’t like any of that work that other kids are doing to her, obviously. I hate hearing her say, pensively, that she wonders whether she’s supposed to like video games while we’re playing a game that she asked for us to play. “Because”, she says, “some of the girls I know say girls don’t like video games”.
But when I think about what I should do about it, the last thing that enters my mind is to tell her she can’t get her face painted because I don’t like the choices that system offers her. That’s what a lot of our cultural politics still amount to, unfortunately: a commandment, a declaration of virtue. Like a Victorian primer for good children. Do this, disavow that. Do not watch this, that thing is forbidden. You should not feel that, you should not want that. That movie is bad: it has a scene in it which is bad. That character is bad: she looks the wrong way. I do it too, still. I used to do it a lot more.
When I think about what I do that I’m a lot happier about? It’s not to forbid, to scold, to command virtue. I just do the things I love and ask my daughter if she wants to do them with me. So I am gardening and I see a lot of really interesting insects as I till up the ground. I call her, and we hold worms, beetles, grubs, slugs, cicadas, ants, crickets. We look at them, talk about what they do, why they’re interesting or cool. This is what I did all afternoon long when I was six and seven: lift the bricks and rocks in our backyard, fill pickle jars with insects, read about and look at them. I don’t tell her it’s a duty for her to do it because she’s a girl and she’s fighting hegemonic narratives about gender. I do it because I still like to do it, and so it’s my culture and my life and I share it. She’ll like it or she won’t, like she likes or not the dinners I cook and the movies I put on the DVD and the comics I show her and the science-fiction and fantasy stories I like and the things I talk about and care for. If I was a hunter, I’d take her hunting. If I liked musicals, I’d show her my favorite. I’m not doing work when I bring her in my cultural world: I’m giving gifts.
I wonder a bit at whether some of the women I know who are also concerned about their kids’ ideas about gender could manage to stifle or repress being grossed out by a beetle or a snake long enough to keep their daughters’ from picking up on that feeling. Probably not. I don’t blame them. What you feel about a slug is a hard thing to change. You could say, “A slug, how interesting”, but if your face says, “I’m going to vomit”, almost any kid is going to read the face rather than hear the words. Why doesn’t that inability to change feelings about bugs or monsters or boy-things worry us as much about whether men can suppress or transform some of the things they like, the things they feel, the things they look at in the world? I don’t know. Maybe that’s the problem: repression. Maybe it’s easier and better to say, “Here’s an interesting insect, let me tell you what it is and why I like it. Let’s look at it under the stereo microscope and read about it in the Audubon guide. Let me tell you why I looked under bricks as a child, and why I still do it.”
The problem with the commandment: no. “That scene is bad: do not watch it.” “That image is bad: feel bad about it.” “That character is bad: do not like him or her”. It puts a kid in an impossible position: but I like fairies! I like pink! I like war toys! I like video games! I like television! even though Mom and Dad say I must not. Desire doesn’t just become mysterious suddenly at 18, it always is. Being the censor puts us in an impossible position, because we have to playact at virtues we don’t feel in any deep way ourselves. “Why, yes, that image was quite bad, my darling! Let’s, uh, watch the movie again so that we can reacquaint ourselves with its offensiveness.” I’ve never forgotten when I showed The Man Who Would Be King, a movie I really like, to a class where we were trying to study it in relation to colonialism and masculinity. I still think that was an appropriate use of the film, there are a lot of interesting discussions to be had out of the narrative. But one student sighed afterwards and said, “Do we have to talk about that film now? Because I really liked it and now we’re going to spoil it”.
So today I went and put two quarters in a foot massage machine while my daughter and my wife supervised the face painting. My daughter chose puppy, partly because she and her mom are on an extended campaign of psychological warfare against me on behalf of acquiring a second dog, to which I have tonight surrendered. But, I have to note, puppy was a “boy” face. Maybe we change culture best by viewing and doing and being what we desire and love best, and less by trying to perform the role of an ideal and virtuous self.