A Declaration of Dependence

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one orange-faced man to dissolve the legal restrictions which he finds incovenient and to assume among the powers of the earth, the permanently dominant station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitles the orange-faced man and his political party, an indecent indifference to the opinions of mankind requires that they should incoherently tweet the causes which impel them to ignore, trifle with or mock the law.

We hold these lies to be self-evident, that billionaires are entitled to pay no taxes and the Russians are good guys who the United States should generally obey, that MAGA-hat wearing white men are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are protection of Mediocrity, Things Being Just the Way They Want Them and A Life Free From Dealing With Brown People, Women and Others They Do Not Like. That to secure these rights, Governments are corrupt among Men, deriving their unjust powers from the inattention of a tweeting scumbag, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes threatening of these ends, it is the Right of the MAGAs and billionaires to ignore it or corrupt it, and to let Government wheeze out its last breaths in some miserable alleyway, undercutting its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Downfall and Misery along with everyone else even though they don’t think it’s going to be a problem for them.

A lack of prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should be let decay and degenerate for short-term greed and fear; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are less disposed to suffer when they take the trouble to have good governments, while evils are accumulable by abolishing the governments which have suppressed them. But when a long train of reasonable regulations and social reforms, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to actually make the world better, it is their right, it is their duty, to sabotage and derogate such Government, and to remove all Guards for their future security.

Such has been the patient sufferance of this independent Nation; and such is now the necessity which constrains the MAGA and billionaires to shit all over their former Systems of Government. The history of the first black President is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations due to his highly moral character, generally intelligent approach to governance and centrist moderation, all having in direct object the maintenance of incremental social reform and some degree of constitutional liberty. To mock this, let fake bullshit be submitted to a simultaneously horrified and bemused world.

The former black president has given his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has urged his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, but has also negotiated and offered deals till his Assent should be obtained; and when ignored by do-nothing Republicans, he has mostly accepted the impasse with mild frustration and hope for eventual agreement.

The former black president has refused to pass other Laws for the exclusive accommodation of white men and billionaires, unless those people would accept the right of Representation in the Legislature of everyone else, a right inestimable to them because it is common to tyrants and white supremacists only.

The former black president has called together legislative bodies at places normal and close to the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of reluctantly accepting their lack of compliance with his recommendations and plans.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most arrogant and obstructionist terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated patience and attempts to understand what is motivating us to be such assholes. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Democratic ruler of a constitutional republic, is unfit to be the ruler of MAGA-hat wearing white men and billionaires.

Nor have We been wanting in attention to our Russian brethren. We have welcomed from time to time in attempts by their dictator to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us and our elections. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our desire to build hotels there and of moving on her like a bitch. We have appealed to their kindred greed and lack of interest in freedom or human rights, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common intolerances to totally encourage these usurpations, which would inevitably strengthen our connections and correspondence. They have been totally delighted hear to the voice of injustice and of consanguinity, partly because they used a bunch of trolling operations to make it speak out. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which announces our Subjugation, and hold them, as we hold other countries with dictators, Totally Great Friends With Whom We Have Perfect Conversations, and Hereby Abandon All That Shit About Having Our Own Country with a Constitution.

We hearby unseriously and incoherently tweet and ramble that these United States of America are basically over and Committed to Doing Whatever Putin Wants and Hey Whatever Other Dictators Ask For During Phone Calls.

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2 Responses to A Declaration of Dependence

  1. I’m ambivalent about the Russophobia represented by this piece. We in the US have seen it before. We must be at, what, our third or fourth red scare by now?

    At the same time, I admit this red scare is different. For one thing, it’s not particularly “red” (not that the original red scares were really about communism, but I suppose that point is open for debate). For another, it’s now the the so-called conservatives and Republicans who are the targets. And of course, it’s not an issue of “subversives in the state department” but imputed and (and sometimes demonstrated and proved), actions and statements by the president.

    I guess my comment is mostly an excursion in whataboutism. Which of course is a fallacy, or just lazy reasoning, on my part.

  2. Timothy Burke says:

    Well, the satirical template here isn’t exactly subtle in its views of the English crown, so I’m kind of sticking to that. But at this point, the dependent, fawning regard of this President for authoritarians, including Putin, is pretty well documented, and there’s certainly a plenitude of evidence of active interest in disrupting or interfering with US (and EU) elections by some portion of the Russian government, if only to keep the US off-balance. (Much as, Cold War panics notwithstanding, there really *was* Russian espionage active in trying to compromise some operations of the US government or to secure important technological information, etc)

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